Encouragment From Big Sis!!

My big sister over at Kennsington Cottage wrote about "secrets". It was and interesting look into my sister. (I mean that as a good thing Mel) It got me thinking (thanks Mel another thing to keep my brain moving at night so I can't sleep). I am a lot like my sis in a way. I have the same struggles with my house but for different reasons. I will explain that later. I also am very insecure in my weight around my friends. All my friends (or at least the ones I can think of right now) are very thin. I am getting over that bothering me. Unfortunately I was "blessed" with my Dad's side of the family body frame. Thanks a lot Dad. I also got saddled with my Dad's sleeping habits. Thanks again Dad. Just giving you a hard time Dad. Even with all that I will keep you and still claim you as my Dad.

So Secrets:
I have been married for seven and a half years and I have two very hansom boys. We use to live in California and have been in Texas for the last year and a half. When we lived in California my house was the messiest house of all time. In talking to my Mom I eventually discovered it was my passive aggressive way of letting my husband know I was not happy with life. I also learned that it wasn't his fault. I wasn't leaning and trusting on the Lord. Since we have moved to Texas I have made an effort to keep my house clean and just plain old do what I need to do and lean on the Lord and trust that my husband know what's best for our family. I am not always perfect but I am trying and that's half that battle.

One of my "secrets" I have been actively working on. Weight! Being heavier then all my friends. Like my sister I will NEVER be that perfect size six. Facts are facts. I have come to terms with that. I know I am over weight and that I need to work on it. As of last Monday I have been going to the gym at a very ungodly hour with a friend to work out. I am hoping to loose some weight but even if I don't at least I will be healthier.

The secret I feel most guilty about:
Growing up I was every ones babysitter. I loved being around kids and had insurmountable patience with all the kids I was around. Then I got married and three years later had my first son and three year after that had my second. They are both good boys. In that past three years I have found that I have very little patience with my sons and that I can be an angry mother. This is something I have been thinking a lot about and have had a few conversations with some ladies and friends about this very thing. I have gotten a lot of encouragement along the way. I am working on the problem and trying to have more patience. I am going to tell on myself a little now. The other day my oldest son was being particularly difficult and I stood their feeling my blood boil. Then I took a step back and just tried to calm down and relax a bit. All the while my son is watching me. Let me also say we have been trying to teach him to be more patient also. He is a lot like me in personality. Anyway, he looked at me with the sweetest little look on his face and said, "Momma is that having lots of patience?" I smiled and said, "I am trying bud." It was cute but also reminded me that I have little eyes watching my every move. I also want to share with you something my great aunt gave me at Thanksgiving that has really helped me in this area.

A Mother's Prayer
Oh, give me patience when wee hands tug at me with their small demands. And give me gentle and smiling eyes. Keep my lips from hasty replies. And let not weariness, confusion or noise obscure my vision of life's fleeing joys. So when, in years to come, my house is still. No bitter memories it's rooms shall fill.

The last secret I will share is just a struggle I have had in the last year and a half. Our family has been through a lot of changes in the last few years. They have all been big changes. I will not get into the details but those of you who know me well know what those are. Here's the "secret" I have just discovered I have. Because of some of the things that have happened to us in the last few years I am realizing that since we have moved I hold back. Let me explain. I grew up in California and was always in the same assembly of Christians I had since I was born. I knew them all well and they knew me well. Then we moved to Texas and I was around people that I visited about five or six times in my entire life. I am normally an outgoing person and don't usually have a hard time getting to know people. Since living here I have realized that because of some of the things that went on in California I am holding back my personality and not letting people in. Not letting them get too close for fear that one day they will be there and the next they won't be. This may be confusing to those who don't know what's been going on in my life so sorry about that. Much like my sister I think people have always seen me as confident because I don't have trouble talking to people. In some areas I am confident and in others I am not. Since moving to Texas I don't very often feel confident. I am working to get past that and am making some strides but still struggle. I guess I have always tried to be that person I think everyone sees me as and now I am trying to be that person that God tells me I should be and not worrying so much about everyone else. It's a daily commitment that I have to make but I am trying.

I hope this all makes since. I tend to not be very good at putting down what my mind is thinking very clearly. What I want to have people see is my love for the Lord above all else.
Ape